Innergiggler's Blog

LONELY IS A STATE OF “BEING”

Posted on: May 31, 2010

I’m feeling painfully lonely right now and I can’t seem to shake it.  What if I feel this way for the rest of my life? 

It’s Memorial Day Weekend Sunday and I’ve made no plans.  Of course I’m feeling empty or sort of “without.” 

I look around me and make a mental “to do list“…

File hundreds of pieces of paper with my scribbling…clean stuff…clean me…go to the gym…play one of my purchased yet unopened exercise DVDs…write…make that dinner I’ve promised Rob…explore sexual intimacies…return phone calls and/or emails…

Instead, I sob into an absorbent Costco paper towel.   I feel better so I look around again…

                                                                             ********

It’s Memorial Day Weekend…1960, East Meadow, New York

Mom and Dad just returned from the golf course.  Dad went upstairs to shower while Mom runs out back to begin the barbequing of her outrageously delicious shish kebob with meat and veggies that have been marinating in a huge pot for two days.  I check the rice so it doesn’t overcook and stick to the pot.  My 12 year old brother does nothing but lie on his bed and read horror comics while Al Jolson sings “My Mammy” from his record player.  Methinks “Oedipus Rex” is looming.”  I find this strange and annoying and wish he’d close his door.

I’m finishing up my junior year at East Meadow High School and my brother Mitch is in the 7th grade at Barnum Woods Middle School just around the corner.   No one is helping Mom outside except for our collie, Lady, who loves running back and forth through the backyard trying to appear nonchalant about any possible morsels that might accidentally fall from the barbeque.  Lady always keeps Mom company.   They love each other so much that it’s a joy to watch the hugging and cooing sounds coming from both of them.

The pungent fragrance from the cooking food drifts through the kitchen’s bay windows as I lick my lips.  I couldn’t know that this luscious smell would remain with me as a beautiful memory for my entire life…long after the three of them are gone.  I’m going to let this image marinate with an absence of sibling rivalry and Dad’s frequent dinner time personality critiques.  

********

“Lonely” isn’t really being empty or without.  It’s the solitude or quiet which  presents an opportunity to hear what is thought or felt deep inside.    Now I’m ready to make Rob that dinner.

*Excerpt from:  How I Buried My Mom…While The Umbilical Cord Is Still Attached”

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3 Responses to "LONELY IS A STATE OF “BEING”"

Great blog Linda. I’m glad you had the “lonely time” to ruminate on these happy memories. However, if I had known you were alone, I would have dragged you with me to see Ziggy Marley!

fabulous, wonderful. honest. real. glorious.
truly.
and…
i still can’t believe we both grew up in east meadow.
how frickin’ weird & amazing is that?

I can smell the BBQ, I can see the dog at your Mom’s side and wish your brothers door was closed also,ha. Why do I hear a screen door slamming each time your Mom goes outside? Oh how we all look back on holiday gatherings and hopefully happy memories of family picnics in the Summer months and long for them again. Ok so share what dinner did you finally make for Rob??

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