Innergiggler's Blog

WHAT ‘S MY WORTH?

Posted on: December 29, 2010

Here we are on the precipice of 2011.  Should I create a bunch of insincere resolutions or just look right into the mirror and ask – what’s my worth?  Who am I and what do I want? 

A home in movie star, glitzy Bel Air?

A diamond necklace?

A new sports car? 

My friend had a home in Bel Air and her husband was constantly humiliating her in public.  After five years she crawled out of there with a few remaining ounces of self-esteem –

My domestically violent boyfriend bought me a diamond necklace – well it had some diamonds on it – I didn’t even like the necklace but I wore it.  Eventually I faced the fact that he’d never stop violating me.  If you don’t feel worthy – it takes a long time to figure this out.

Dad surprised me with a sports car – a Corvair Monza convertible – when I was in college.  He enjoyed showing friends what he gave his daughter.  Within two weeks my brother begged to borrow it for a date, before the evening was over the car was hauled away in seven pieces. 

AGAIN – WHAT’S MY WORTH?  IT CHANGES!

At night, when I’m lying back in bed – hands crossed behind my head  – nothing at stake – nobody watching  – I’m thinking I’m pretty hot stuff.  I should have my own talk show again – but TV this time – not Oprah, I’m somewhat bawdy – I’m thinking late night – up against Dave, Jay, Conan…yeah, I’d be great!  Or back to radio – that was great fun.

Upon awakening in the morning I do a re-evaluation of my worth – but now I’m eight inches shorter and 75 pounds heavier – I can barely get out of bed.  What happened to the talk show host?

The TSH got really small and weak and…worthless. 

WHY?  What’s the advantage to “underliving?”

It’s easier to live small – not be challenged – not be disappointed – not be responsible for much.  My bills stay smaller, my dinged to the max, side-swiped with a vengeance car remains  an embarrassment ,     why bother with make-up?  Maybe my self-esteem has been sucked up by the furry things under my bed.  Damn!  Don’t you just wanna rush over and spend the day with me?

 I SMELL FEAR!  If my life is undersized – I’m less accountable.  Fewer responsibilities, I don’t have to try so hard.  I can stay under the radar and not challenge myself.   I could avoid doing esteemable things. 

WHAT IF I COULD CHANGE THIS?

PART TWO – TOMORROW

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9 Responses to "WHAT ‘S MY WORTH?"

WOW. A lot to think about. Great writing Linda. Can’t wait for tomorrow to read part two.

I look forward to part two, you are thinking along the same lines as I at the moment……

Love you Linda, and I encourage you to live LARGE. What the hell. So what if we all fail fantastically. We still have each other, and it’d be a hell of a ride.
Wanna?

i’m with hollye (SURPRISE!!!!!) LET’S ALL JUST RUSH RIGHT OFF THE CLIFF AND FLY!!!!!!! WHAT A RIDE.
LINDA YOU AMAZE ME ALWAYS.
ALWAYS.
BRAVERY NEVER LOOKED SO SEXY

Wow!!! Build you or break you baby!! I say let’s get to building! Woohoo! Fabulous writing! Fabulous.

Amy

Linda,
Always live large and never doubt yourself. Go with your gut and all will be amazing as are you Linda. You are a beautiful Swell in my Life Waves just remember if you fall off paddle out and take in the beauty along the way for there is always a lesson to be learned maybe not at that exact moment but it comes. Then jump back on. Hope you car can handle a board!!!
So looking forward to Part Two

I personally do not make New Year Resolutions. At the end of each year I am seldom disappointed for I feel I always accomplished lots because I tried. It is the not doing or not trying or list making people who just talk about it or the news this time of year.
Set goals, start, then check them off as you go.
This is winning start for 2011.

Reach for the moon!!! You might just grab a star on the way up!!

Oh Mel – I’m reaching cause you’re right by my side…xoox

Do you have any idea what an absolute joy you are to so many? I’m a nurse, trust me!! I see it all. Let’s get a limo and fly together, all of us, reach for the brightest star, as Melody said. We’ll be hugging all the way. The trouble with being such a joy maker, as you definitely are, is that sometimes others don’t know where “serious” comes in. I just want to tell you that you make me laugh out loud all the time. That is a special gift, Miss Linda. And I’ll have chocolate and Tortilla chips ready when we meet. Hugs and chocolate kisses. xoxo

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