Innergiggler's Blog

Archive for the ‘Support for self-care’ Category

Wednesday morning I awoke in Glory Land.                             

My eyes opened and something felt painlessly different.  Usually I want to close my lids quickly and do the usual “oh no, another day” moan which leads to pulling the covers over my head and doing a head flop back onto my pillow.

I didn’t recognize the positive vibe at first because I’d been living in CaCa Land for over a month.  So I looked under the bed, beneath the pillow, then ventured into the bathroom for a sign.  Everything looked the same – but – something felt different…there was something glowing inside of me – it was…ME!  I was shimmering from the inside out.

After being slam-bam, no thank you ma’am by a “friend” gone rogue – I was feeling worthless, in despair, heart-broken, and ready to jump!  Life didn’t seem worth living – when you love someone, think you’re caring for and supporting him/her and then they turn around and whack you in the face with a frying pan because they’ve been building up resentments for a very long time – that hurts.  And I couldn’t let go of it.  Real friends – two I barely knew – listened quietly to my verbal tears, held me, told me they’d be there for me – before and after I repaired.

I didn’t think the pain would ever subside.  I didn’t think I deserved happiness.  I could barely write, barely show up for my life, my husband, my friends.  It’s that horrible “P” word – process.  It processed itself out of my heart, through my bowels.

I don’t expect to stay in Glory Land forever.  It’s just a break from “life as usual” giving me the opportunity to breathe freely in between the next challenge.  I wanna say “bring it on” but I’d be lying.   Glory Land is where I need to be for today – please come join me!

Are you kidding?  If I had the solution I’d be so rich and famous I wouldn’t have time for blogging.  So let’s work this out:

I’ve got over 60 years of experience searching for a solution.  I used to blame it on mom for requiring I consume cottage cheese and prunes for lunch daily throughout the 1st and 2nd grades – miraculous I made it to the 3rd grade without killing someone – like my mother. 

Fortunately wisdom has accompanied aging.  I realize this is my lifetime challenge – to search for harmony between my mind and my body.  Think Linda, think! 

Previously, navigation through a weight program was often determined by what was on the Best Seller List.  There was one weight loss scheme  wayyyy back in college, where we could eat endless hamburgers and french fries – but no buns. (“Calories Don’t Count?”)  I gained nine pounds.

Then Dr. Stillman suggested I suck on a sink’s spout in the amount of 64 oz. per day, and eat nothing but protein with my protein –  honey in no time at all, pound after pound of flesh melted away.  I was gawgeous!  Apparently he was on to something, I’m still sucking on the spickets…bitching and moaning though it defintely makes a difference. 

Oh the 70s – “Dr. Atkins’ Diet Revolution” aligned itself with the Sexual Revolution.  His plan screamed STOP! to my expanding body and converted my frame into that svelte and sexy vessel just in time for me to spin my way into disco fever.  The addition of exercise was involuntary upon hearing that blaring orgasmic beat.  “Do it baby, do it, yes, yes, yes you will, more and more! YOWWWWWWZA!”

Before I turned all the way around, my dancing days were done because I entered a relationship with Two Left Feet, Frank.  Halt on the spinning and dieting.  Pizza, chocolate and Chinese entered my mouth so fast it forced my head to snap back against the wall as I watched my waistline amplify in geometric progressions.  Agony ensued as I waited and chewed toward that moment of my physical explosion.  As I was about to POP!  a friend of a friend helped me find god and become Anonymous.  No diet – I swear!  Based on a very sound, organized system of principles, god sucked ninety pounds and the guy from my frame.  It was effortless and satisfying.  Unfortunately, with my anonymity – I also gave up some of my identity –  not a requirement here, but somehow I disappeared along with my shrinking waistline.  That was just my experience.  I began to miss myself – which brings me to today.

Now I’ve decided instead of “dueling the futile war on weight” I’m gonna accept that I’ve been kind of like the Middle East and work on a PEACE AGREEMENT!   New plan begins tomorrow.

“You looking at me?”

She moves closer to the mirror.  Shades of Travis Bickel are reflecting back.

“You looking at me?”

The answer is yes.  I’m looking at me. 

Yikes!   I could look a little healthier, happier, thinner, smaller, slimmer – not so chunky!   I could be smiling right now if my bra’s underwire wasn’t digging into my rib cage, or if the zipper on my jeans wasn’t ripping me a new belly button.  I could be more joyous but can’t feel it under these conditions.

I swore to myself this wouldn’t happen again.  I promised “me” that the gym wasn’t going to be a distant memory and that I’d never move back into Pepperidge Farm, ever.  But ya know, when the sky is blue and my life seems momentarily perfect, unbearable, painful, filled with joy – at any of those moments of emotional and mental distraction  – that calls for a cookie, candy bar, ice cream or anything that will sustain my foggabilitty! 

And absolutely no one can tap me on the shoulder and ask, “Whattcha doing cause you’re growing wider!”  Try it and you’ll never celebrate another birthday.

“I’m NOT guilty your Honor, that nosy bitch  – formerly known as hussy – was the guilty  one – she crossed the ‘weight’ line!”  No jury in this country would convict me.  Certainly not in Los Angeles.

Will I find a solution?  Tune in tomorrow!!!

Here we are on the precipice of 2011.  Should I create a bunch of insincere resolutions or just look right into the mirror and ask – what’s my worth?  Who am I and what do I want? 

A home in movie star, glitzy Bel Air?

A diamond necklace?

A new sports car? 

My friend had a home in Bel Air and her husband was constantly humiliating her in public.  After five years she crawled out of there with a few remaining ounces of self-esteem –

My domestically violent boyfriend bought me a diamond necklace – well it had some diamonds on it – I didn’t even like the necklace but I wore it.  Eventually I faced the fact that he’d never stop violating me.  If you don’t feel worthy – it takes a long time to figure this out.

Dad surprised me with a sports car – a Corvair Monza convertible – when I was in college.  He enjoyed showing friends what he gave his daughter.  Read the rest of this entry »

I used to think life would get easier as we got older – each wrinkle would represent experience and wisdom – knowledge would protect us from our hearts being put in harm’s way – reminding us by automatically spreading “Beware of The Dog” signs everywhere we go.

Now that I’ve discovered this notion is just a myth – CAN SOMEONE PLEASE INVENT “Viagra” for the heart to make it tougher – harder – stronger?  An erect heart may temporarily block those blasts of  hot/cold air which burn the natural flow of sunlight from the arteries. 

Call it Heartagra or Aortalis or Arteriagra – just one pill and the heart is inured from heartache – disappointment – mental death – for 24 hours – so we can freely jump from one branch to another – from the frying pan into the fire with a guaranteed  time out from the challenge of “the next lesson.” 

AORTALIS!  Take it and “Just For Today” be free of anguish.  Enjoy blessed hours of minimally biting levels of negativity scratching at the door:  My best friend dumped me today  – but for this moment in time I’m going to the grocery store with one singular intention – to say “hello” to my favorite check out lady – then bringing flowers to my optometrist – and finally getting my car washed – with a smile.

This pill will put a statute of limitations on any “aha” moments.  Don’t need to learn any of life’s painful truths for one adorable day.

Didn’t get the job my fingers were crossed for – but not wasting time philosophizing over it ’cause I want to bake some cookies for the neighbor whose son accidentally vomited on my driveway. 

Looking forwarad to one day we could fearlessly “JUST JUMP” knowing whatever we step into will just wash off.

Thank you!  Now DO IT!


When life’s crap is clogging up my arteries and whirling through my brain…I study the image in the mirror and think…nope…don’t like her…can’t find her heart…no soul…sending her into a pod state…pulling the switch…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…to reverse the energy…and then…

 I bow deeply to the Goddess of light…SHE laughs…takes a deep breath…then blows the yuck out of my nerve endings…guiding me toward GRATITUDE…as follows:

  1. I have a home…in transition…void of curtains…but filled with joy and love…
  2. I’m restricted to eating chicken/fish/beef/cooked vegetables/ peanut butter…BUT…I have the means to buy ice cream…chocolate…the finest fresh fruit when my body heals…
  3. My clothes must be washed and dried at the Laundromat…but I have the quarters to make them clean
  4. Though mired in my deepest self-loathing…I have so many people who dismiss my rants and love me anyway…
  5. Even when my head is blank…I’ve learned that willingness is the key to be patient and those words will come…
  6. In darkest despair…there is a rainbow that hits me upside the head and changes my entire perspective…
  7. 65 years of life lessons through wild success and deep down dirty pain have taught me that everything good and bad…passes
  8. I get to choose every single day to either share or hoard my ability to love and honor…
  9. In good times and not so good times…I have the baseball channel to watch my New York Yankees
  10.  That even though life is all about me…I can really listen and hear everything you have to say…I’m a good friend

There are so many things to be ashamed of…

  • Stealing
  • Spreading gossip
  • Lying
  • Coveting thy neighbor’s wife…
  • Sticking bubble gum in someone’s glove compartment

I’ve stolen…lied… gossiped…and have made massive amends (Step 9 of 12)…but I still feel shame…

I FEEL SHAME FOR being sick!  I am embarrassed to tell people that I’m not in perfect health for today…that I have to rely on a doctor or doctors…that I find myself on the line at CVS again today.

I’m grateful it’s not cancer…but I am being sent to both a gastroenterologist and a cardiologist…

I had an EKG at my internist’s office today…so far that’s fine…but I feel so freakin’ ashamed that my body isn’t functioning perfectly…

I have put this info on my Facebook page and have gotten nothing but loving support.  I need to flush my SHAME down the toilet…but I feel a little ashamed of needing to use the toilet for anything…

This is STEP ONE in self-love…!

Some days I can’t do more than just go through the motions.  From the time I open my eyes to that moment the world goes dark…there’s a sense of nothingness.  I don’t register whether it was sunny or a cloudy overcast day.  Who am I kidding…I live in Santa Monica, CA…that’s a 98% chance of Full Monty sunshine!  But I’m not appreciative.

The next day is the same.  I call this anti-purple living…with purple being “glory and magnificence!”  I’m unconsciously moving “through it.”  The behavior is un-magnificent and un-glorious…yet there are times when I just have to retreat.  Don’t suggest I change it…that won’t work…and I’ll only get pissed off.  It’s like I’m re-charging.

And then, out of nowhere…uncalculated…one morning I wake up and notice there’s beautiful sunshine beaming through my bedroom windows and I’m happy to take it in and let it permeate my body and mind.  My morning shower feels great and I love the smell of my clean underwear.  I know today will be at least a lavender day.  I smile at people in supermarkets…over-tip an earnest server…almost hug the guy behind the fish counter…and they all know we’re sharing the minimum of purple if not more.  We’re counting ourselves “in life” and in each other’s lives.

By tomorrow I will be living purple again.  Look out…I can’t wait to hug you.

Share |
counter for wordpress