Innergiggler's Blog

Posts Tagged ‘Ralph’s

Looking deeply into the mirror I ask myself:  “How can I change that feeling of fear which keeps me living small?”

LINDA – Recognize where and how the fear manifests:

Sometimes it looks like me sitting on the living room couch with the remote control in my left hand and a bag of corn tortilla chips (sometimes yellow – sometimes blue) in the right.  The race is on – which hand is fastest? 

It’s a tie.  I go from CNN to CNBC at the same rate it takes to stuff 11 chips in my face.  With this kind of excitement – who needs a bigger life?  I’m totally mesmerized by the news – like the terrible snowstorm preventing holiday travelers from reaching their destinations.  I saw one couple at LaGuardia in NYC who have spent three days trying to get to their honeymoon.  Then – OMG – unplowed streets of NYC outer boroughs resulted in unnecessary deaths when EMT units couldn’t get to patients needing immediate hospitalization.  One woman was beside herself having just watched her dad succumb to a perhaps unnecessary death.  My left hand fingers drop the remote to pick up the tissues – I am now bawling.  I need more chips to soothe myself.  Shit!  The hummus is all gone – BOO HOO!  Mommy!!!  Crap, she’s dead, just when I really need her.

Quieted down now, I realize that I am living a full life – just not my own.  I am sooo totally embarrassed.  I wonder what Rob is thinking of me.  Is my behavior pushing him toward thoughts of divorce?  I’ll teach him…

Ensuing argument thwarted.

I rush into his Man Cave and am greeted with his big beautiful smile.  He doesn’t have time to judge me because he’s too busy loving me and living his own life.  In that order.

Back in the house I realize I was so engrossed in the lives of others that I never went grocery shopping today- so I’m searching for the grocery flyers for sales – they guide my food shopping.  We need something to eat besides tuna fish.  And we’re out of hummus.  Oh it’s so dark and cold out. I don’t feel like dealing with irritated, tired shoppers at Ralph’s – just because unlike me, they were out working all day.

I’ll do better tomorrow – but it’s time for Jeopardy.  Maybe I’ll record that and watch yesterday’s episode of “Days of Our Lives.” 

Tomorrow will be a day absent of fear and filled with self-love and accomplishment.

PART THREE – TOMORROW

Remember when Dionne Warwick sang  to us about a HOUSE not being a HOME?   “A chair is still a chair even when no one is sitting there.”  But I always wondered  –  if someone is lying, sitting, cooking, crapping in your place  – isn’t it still a home?  Even without the love Dionne craved?  How about self-love? 

These are the dumbest freaking lyrics on the planet – a chair is still a chair – an ottoman is still an ottoman  – a leg is still a leg – even if it’s covered with hair  – but a home without love is what?  A parakeet?  Don’t get me wrong   – Burt Bacharach & Hal David wrote some smoking tunes & lyrics – but having just forced myself to re-read the lyrics  – I got a lump in my throat – which I always get before I puke –

We have love in our apartment – but Rob and I both know if we don’t get out of here into a bigger home there’ll be no love – no marriage and only broken chairs which will still be broken chairs – and perhaps broken windows to boot.

So – Rob and I are headed for Westchester – that’s in Los Angeles County  – about  20 minutes from Santa Monica – my home for the last 13 years.  It’s unfamiliar – I don’t know where Ralph’s or Trader Joe’s or Vons is located – I don’t know the neighbors – don’t know if their houses are homes – but our new abode will be a home even when we can’t stand each other.  I’m sure of it!


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