Innergiggler's Blog

Posts Tagged ‘Toyota

The door slammed behind me.  I just screwed up yet another audition.  Cold readings in front of strangers is difficult enough – but shaky, nervous fingers will drop script pages  –  bending down to retrieve said pages eyeglasses will fall to the floor  – and be not so quickly recovered  – they’re back on my nose.  I shift my head briskly left for character reaction – then watch those specs fly across  the room and zap the Casting Director in her right breast – a surefire audition for the crapper.

On more than one occasion my acting teacher had suggested I get fitted for contact lenses.

“No.  Feh!  I can’t stand the thought of anything touching my eyeballs.  Only the lids, and maybe a floating lash or two are allowed to fondle my peepers.  Never will my pupils be exposed to chlorine or any other substance under water.  I promise you’ll hear me bark louder than a pit bull when forced to have that puff in the eye glaucoma test.  I feel faint already.   These are the rules.

My WoodyAllen-esque teacher – insert brown hair and a lower pitched voice – jumped on me in class one night:

“Afraid?  You wanna talk afraid?  I’m the biggest chicken in the world.  I won’t put a thermometer in my mouth for fear of mercury poisoning.  When anyone mentions Auschwitz – I can smell enough gas to overcook a Thanksgiving turkey for 200.  Don’t talk to me about fear.  Yet I wear contacts.”

Another year passed by – as did more auditions where I couldn’t read the pages without a small catastrophe.  Finally – one morning, I made an appointment with an optometrist about fifteen minutes from my house in Mar Vista, Ca. – not wanting to be too far from my toilet.

I arrived early so that I could deep breathe into a paper bag which would minimize  hyperventilation and keep my thoughts occupied so I wouldn’t be tempted to run.  Moving at a speed of .04 miles an hour, I approached the optometrist for Phase I, eye measurement.  My mouth was moving exceedingly fast – as I asked questions about possible catastrophes – like how many people went blind as a result of wearing contacts, etc.  The tall, slightly built, bald-headed, stooped over guy suggested the results would be more accurate if I’d close my mouth for five minutes.   The anxiety pushed masses of air out of my lungs – I was afraid to stop talking for fear of suffocation. 

Process completed, a lovely, dark, tall and slender woman, about 22, wearing a big smile approached me.

“I may be young but I’ve got lots of experience teaching people exactly how to do this; and I’ve been wearing lenses for years.  Now, take a deep breath and slowly let it out so we can stop your hands from tremoring.  Good.”

After just 42 attempts to adhere this clear, round, soft piece of plastic to my left eye – I was wearing a contact lens.  Within another twenty minutes – my right eye was also lensed.  Me!  The Queen of Anxiety! I grabbed my cell phone and speed dialed my mom.  Within seconds you could hear my voice screeching throughout the store:

“Ma – guess what I’ve got in my eyes?  No!  Yuch!  Stop!” I paused while she screeched that I rush to the ER.  “No, it’s good.  Ma, no hands – no glasses – I’m wearing contact lenses.”

Two days later my agent called:

“You’ve got an audition for an AT&T commercial.  Book it!” 

Beyond excited – I practically flew to West Hollywood – hurriedly parked – okay a little zig-zagged – jumped out of the car – ran up the stairs and searched the Commercial Board which directs actors to the correct auditioning rooms.  Campbell’s Soup #1, Time Warner, #2, Toyota, #3, AT&T, #4.  I signed in – submitted my picture/resume combo, then sat and waited to hear my name called.  I knew this baby was all mine.

Confidently I entered the audition room – smiled at the casting folks, watched as they smiled right back – displaying their lunch-stuffed corporate mouths. 
“Give her the glasses.”  They asked me to don a pair of non-prescriptive glasses indicating I was a middle-aged woman.  Being slightly over 50 at the time, I believe the Casting Directors needed the glasses. 

I didn’t get that job – but ultimately I didn’t care.  Now I get to choose every single day what I’ll use to see the world a little more clearly.


“Look up!”…“Keep your chin up.”…“Look on the bright side!”  All suggestions offered when challenges are poking me in the nose.   Fleshy arrows point skyward for clearance of my mental palate.  So…here I go:

I’m flying high over Santa Monica on a very overcast day.  Whoa!  Just slammed into three intersecting clouds…tee…hee…hee…they tickle.  Kinda feels like accidentally getting into a cold shower on a humid day…so it has a cooling effect.  More cotton balls are floating my wayalong with dust packages…so I’ll just navigate east…aagh!  Got hit again.  All right, come and find me cloudy faces…cause I’m heading toward sunshine

It’s so free up here…no constrictions or restrictions…I’m pure…like I haven’t incurred any demerits yet…a clean slate.  But…I also don’t have any friends up here…can’t get a cell phone signal to call and torture my husband.  Up here I don’t have a husband…a nice break, but I’m gonna miss his hugs and kisses.  Although I no longer have to worry about owning a Toyota, traffic, road ragers, running out of clean underwear, scrubbing my bathroom sink or tub.  I don’t need a haircut up here …whooo…hooo…I’m never satisfied with the cut anyway.  Hell, I don’t even have to comb my hair, paint my lips, tweeze my eyebrows…yuch…my nose is running and there are no tissues up here…grateful for the absorbency of a cotton blouse…though the 5% spandex is not a plus.   Yikes, no provisions for body functions…oh crap!  Maybe I won’t have body functions.  Mostly I’m wishing I could share the experience as it’s happening.  Maybe post it on Facebook.  I don’t get much of a life up here so I’ll have to depend on the lives of others for entertainment.

Looking at the world down there.  I see an elderly lady gently cutting beautiful yellow roses from her garden then smelling them.  There’s a young mom wheeling her apparent twins in a stroller at a Malibu beach; she stops and gives each baby a bottle.  It’s all lovely from up here.

No!  Two boys are holding up a convenience store east on Venice Blvd; one has a gun.  Now an ambulance is dashing north to Sunset & Bundy, a homeless guy was just badly beaten.  I guess I have to look further up – where everything is so tiny all I can see is puffy clouds and…and…a helicopter that’s flying toward me, circling me, telling me to get down.  No!  I’m staying…the clouds are starting to leak!  I’m being blown closer to the helicopter…I’m…crashing…falling quickly down. Ow!

It doesn’t hurt so much when I open my eyes…just love the comfort of down pillows.  I’m going to take this opportunity to scrub my bathroom sink…and call my husband.

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